Understanding the self-harm addiction
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I cut myself to feel better
I knew about various ways to commit suicide. In seventh grade my friends and I created a list of '101 ways to kill yourself'. It started with:
Slit wrists
Overdose
Gun shot
Leave in a tampon and developing Toxic Shock Syndrome
Eat Jane's mum's cooking
At the age of fourteen, my understanding of people cutting their wrists was as an attempt to commit suicide. I didn't have a clue what 'self-harm' really meant until I was sitting in front of a psychologist showing him my scabbed wrists.
As I began to sink into a depression in October 2002, I started to feel a pressure on my wrists; as if something needed to get out. It was an uncomfortable sensation so one day I used my fingernails to start to remove skin. I felt a sense of accomplishment as I began to see traces of blood coming through the red and inflamed wrist. As strange as it sounds, the pain was enjoyable and the blood brought a sense of calm over me.
I discovered a new sensation that would calm my body. I didn't understand what I was doing or the logic behind it, but soon a pair of scissors became my aid. The physical pain I inflicted on myself temporarily removed the emotional pain I was going though. The fact my father died three months earlier barely impacted the bullying I faced at school. The more emotionally fragile I became, the more it seemed to of gotten worse; so each insult, painful remark or act of exclusion started to show-up on my wrists. For a long time I tried my best to hide the cuts with my school jumper, but after a while rumours were already spreading around about their presence and the approaching Summer heat made wearing a jumper unbearable. I made the decision not to hide my wrists any longer – I wanted my wrists to scream at the bullies “Can't you see what you are doing to me!?” What the other students heard was: “Attention seeker!” I did need attention – I needed help.
The six week Christmas holiday break barely halted the progression of my depression and the intensity of my self-harm. I entered into the new year with my arms and wrists covered in slits and cuts; now deep enough to leave scar tissue. At the end of January 2003 I returned to school to start the beginning of tenth grade.
Self-harm had become an addiction. I constantly longed for the rush that came over me when I inflicted the pain upon myself. Each day at school boys told me I was 'ugly', a 'rat' and 'fowl'. I can't even describe how disgusting I felt on the inside. At times I didn't even want to be touched. My mind became flooded with guilt for some major social mistakes I had made and I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to externalise the ugliness I felt on the inside. Self-harm seemed like the best option and it no longer was limited to just my wrists:
Ugly on the inside
I feel so alone
I cut across my face
never once I moan.
‘The blade is my friend’, I say
A pain I do deserve.
I’ve screwed up everyone’s life
What gives me the nerve?
Punishment for my actions
Punishment for the way I think.
The cut makes me happy
and the blood I could drink.
I want to show the world
how ugly I feel
A tortured face and body
My ugliness does reveal.
Yet nobody wants to see
they don’t want it to exist.
Until the day they do
the blade stays to my wrist.
As the weather cooled in March I began to wear my school jumper again; this time I would be hiding my wrists when they would bleed. I could barely stay in class for an entire lesson without asking to be excused to use the bathroom. I would accumulate around a hour of class time a day to spend in a locked toilet cubicle trying to get my next blood fix. I took to carrying scissors or a razor blade on me so I could roll up my sleeve and make my next cuts. I would make temporary bandages out of toilet paper and pull down my jumper to cover it.
School became a more and more aweful place and I found myself desperate for an urgent 'fix'. I was in drama class and I felt an overwhelming craving to hurt myself. By this time everyone knew about the damage I was causing my body, but majority of the students saw it as a pathetic way to seek attention. I wanted them to see the effects of what they were doing to me. I am unsure why I didn't have my scissors on me that day, but I searched through my pencil case, pulled out a compass and dug it into my skin to get the rush I wanted.
Later in the day I was called down to the Vice-Principal's office and had my pockets emptied and bag searched by two teachers. They confiscated anything they believed I could hurt myself with. Without realising, they gave me ideas. The school had many resources available to help me, but chose to ignore them. In the months after my dad died the school counselor would use 'Angel cards' (kind of like tarot cards) in our sessions and would dominate the conversations. In late November 2002 I told her I wanted to kill myself – she finally shut up, placed me in the 'too-hard basket' and referred me on to another service whose solution to everything was to medicate me. At one point, instead of seeking proper help for my behavioural problems they sent me to the school nun, with disastrous consequences at the end.
Up until then I had been labeled as a 'good student'. I received good grades, behaved well in class, was involved in every charity the school was involved with – I was president of the St Mary's St Vincent De Paul Society and was in charge of organising fundraisers. I had never once received a detention and my punishments were limited to picking-up rubbish because I was talking in class. But there I was standing in front of the Vice Principal and my Year Coordinator, feeling humiliated as they searched for weapons in my private toiletry bag containing tampons and sanitary napkins. I was given my first and final warning that if I did 'one more thing' I would be expelled.
I was not a bad student – I was a sick student whom they did not understand, nor try to.
I did not try to cut myself to kill myself. I had other plans on how to do that – and I tried for the first time in early April 2003. It took months of hospitalisation to help me break my self-harm addiction. I would sneak razors into the ward in my underwear or try and find sharp objects such as nails to hurt myself with. I learn that even a small butter container could be turned into a self-harming instrument. For the first time I met other teenagers who self-harmed. The adolescent psychiatric ward was still new, but the staff began to pick-up on all our tricks and hiding places.
Eventually after many months there came a time when I couldn't self-harm. I still remember the frustration of not being able to get the rush of endorphins and how irritable I would become. I remember the first time I couldn't harm when I 'needed' to: the nurses gave me a mild sedative to swallow. When that didn't work I ended up with five nurses pinning me to my bed while my skirt was being pulled down to inject a sedative into the muscle in my bum. I fell asleep for ten hours.
Self-harm is a serious issue and can be highly addictive. The time I spent in hospital helped me break the addiction at the time, but I don't think self-harm will ever stop being an issue I struggle with. I don't think there is a cure for the addiction. It has been seven years since I fell into a depression and many times over the years I have relapsed. Just like with any addiction, I learnt ways to hide it. My body is covered in scars, from my breasts, wrists, thighs to the soles of my feel. I learnt to turn everyday objects into tools for self-harm and how to do the most damage leaving minimal markings. It has been a year since my addiction got the better of me. I love life and I love myself. I have so much to live for and I do not want to bring anymore damage to my body. Despite the joy I experience with living life, the throbbing in my wrists returned when I am feeling sad, stressed or anxious. I have learnt how to deal with those feelings when they come and how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way – I live a wonderful life without depression.
I decided to open up about this issue and its personal effect on my life because self-harm is very poorly understood, even sometimes by the person who is harming themselves. Actions such as cutting can externalise internal pain, create calmness for the endorphin rush and the pain of the harming can be a relief to people when they feel numb.
If you know someone who is
self-harming, or if you are yourself, seek help. It can develop into
a serious issue. I would plead with anyone who wants to experiment
with it, or who may get something like my throbbing sensation to STOP
before they start. If you have any questions please ask, either through comment or private message.
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I use a pencil sharpener blades. I started cutting my wrists but then i got a little paranoid that people would find out. Now I cut my feet. Its like below my ankle. I love the rush and how it clears my mind.
i cut too i have had this problem for a long time i tried to stop and i felt bad about it every time i did it but i couldnt stop i started out cutting my thy because nobody could see it if i had jeans and then moved to my arms and started having a jacket on all the time i eventually didn't care who seen it at school and then when people saw they called me emo and that just made me want to cut more I am in the process of trying to stop but it is hardder than just saying that i am i had to put all my blades in a locked box and try to remained myself every day that it is just not worth it i had help from my 4 friends too and i thank that i would still be cutting if it wasn't for them and there love for me but just to tell you it is not a good habit and never start doing this and if you cut try to get help if you cant get help from family like me talk to friends or someone you trust because its not worth feeling good for one second and getting called emo the next even though emo is and emotional person and microbe is where you self harm just for all you people that don't know that.
My recommendation is to go and speak to a youth worker, counselor or psychologist. Try to understand the reasons behind why you cut and work on that. Self-harm is a coping mechanism, not the problem.
You are AMAZING, and so is your hub. Thank you for sharing your story. I've been cutting/self-harming for seven years and have told my story many times to help people, but I don't think I would have the courage to tell it as straightforward as you have done. You are an amazing example of what former self-mutilators should be doing worldwide-- sharing their stories and helping people understand. Good luck to you in all that you do, and may you continue to have a long and healthy life free from depression and self-mutilation. You are my inspiration to continue working on my addiction to self-harm. Thank you.
I give you much praise for having the courage to share such a personal story with us here. I am sure that many can learn something from the way which you have chosen to describe this type of addiction and pain. I hope that you are doing well- hc porter
Wow I've never met anyone that felt the throbbing in their wrists like I do. I'm addicted as well, but I honestly don't know why. I'm friends with nearly everyone, and I'm a good student like you were. I actually wanted to see what it was like. That's how I started. Then I started getting called things like whore, pregnent, and bitch. I was only in 6th/7th grade so I didn't think and just decided pain was the cure. But then my best guy friend threatened to tell teachers, counclers, and parents. That's why it's been so long. But I'm different than u, because I can be completely happy...and my wrists still throb. It's summer, so I'm wearing a bikini alot, so I can't hide it. It's been about a month. Ive hid hydrogen peroxide in my room to make the scars go away quicker. I keep my pocket knife in my wallet. Disappointment an guilt are my two weaknesses. If my parents knew, I'd be overwhelmed with both. So my only help I can trust is my best guy friend, but all I do is text him when I have impulses. If the impulse is bad, I just lie to him. So I don't have much help. At least I know I'm not alone now. Thanks(: this was great
Something I do when I get that throb now is put ice directly on my wrist. It creates the sting. Also, I am quite artistic so I draw the cuts onto my wrist. Even though there isn't blood, the appearance of the red on my wrist triggers something in my brain and it relaxes me.
A very raw, hub. Took a lot of courage to write. Thank you.
Thankyou for sharing....similar experinces ....
my ex-girl friend cut my name into her breast and idk if she could get addicted to cuting, although i suspect it because befor she stoped talking to me she said she re cuts it and it makes her feel good
can u develop an addiction if u got the feeling in your wrist but never actualy cut properly?
Speaking from personal experience, I don't believe I would have developed the addiction if I didn't start cutting. Cutting is something I struggle with from time to time, moreso in periods of high stress. I can go months/years without cutting, but when I need it it is my vice. It calms me down like nothing else. If it didn't work I wouldn't do it.
But I would like to add that I wish I never started. As much as cutting can seem like a friend it is also an enemy. I am covered in scars all over. When I first started I didn't think about the scarring because the cuts were not deep enough to scar. When they were deep enough I was planning on taking my own life at some point so never thought I would live with the consequences.
My body has now given up on healing and I scar over the slightest graze. My wrists and theighs are the worst effected. I cannot wear a bikini without people noticing my legs. I am a successful business woman and it is very hard to opperate trying to hide my scarred wrists.
I am so so glad my suicide attempts never were successful, but I have permanent brain damage now from loosing oxygen to my brain. I have a terrible memory and struggle to pick up on new things. I also can't remember a lot of the conversations and happy memories my friends speak of because of the damage.
I never would have imagined my life would get better. I never imagined I would have the happiness that I have in my life. Even bad days are still good.
i was searching a site to know how can i remove the cut marks on my wrist. accidently i saw this site. i really didnt knew that what i a was doing was a self harm. i never approached to anyone as i never thought it as a addiction. i used to do it only when i was anger or upset for something. it used to calm me. till i met this guy who made me feel that he gets hurt more than me when i hurt myself. he asked me to scribble on walls, paper anything when i am angry and i did it. and today i have stopped cutting my wrist, even if i prick my finger accidently i cant bare the pain. thanks to him my walls are covered with cartoon characters. i really regret about what i did and wish could undo it. my wrist look horrible with all those marks.
This really helps thanks
i have self harmed before because of people in school calling me emo
and that i should go die an so i can't find the words to explain my feelings
cutting is a cry for help an i use a pencil sharpener razor and its only on my arms an ankle not
wrist
I use a pencil sharpener blade. I do it even when i am happy, my legs are full of words carved into my skin, the tops of my arms are scarred and ruined. I am addicted, and am dreading the summer, and most of all, when i have to go swimming with school.
wow. i cut when i really get pissed off. i cant help my anger so i just cut. i done it on my wrists. my granny almost saw them once and my brother made me pay him a fiver to keep it secret. i stole it back from him and now none of my family trusts me. they dont want me to do shopping in case i steal the change or stuff from the shop. i dont want to be called emo, but my brother said to his friends that i was emo.
that wasn't the worst part either. he soon found out that i was bicurious. he told his friends and now they discriminate me.
it feel so gud wen i cut i stop but now i want to start bac i lost my bf n i start cuttin n now i tink i am loosing bff n dats hurts al i cud tink i to cut....
I was looking up way to hide cuts on the Internet, when I ran into this, I just self harmed myself in public with a bent tin can and just found out I am going to a water park tomorrow. I only did it because I was with my best friend and her boyfriend, my boyfriend just recently moved away and I was contemplating suicide because his mother will never let me see him again. But after I read this I realized this is not only harming my body but it has cause my friends and especially my boyfriend stress, his dad recently died also and he doesn't harm him self or anything, I'm so pround of you I love you jerrod!
I was looking up way to hide cuts on the Internet, when I ran into this, I just self harmed myself in public with a bent tin can and just found out I am going to a water park tomorrow. I only did it because I was with my best friend and her boyfriend, my boyfriend just recently moved away and I was contemplating suicide because his mother will never let me see him again. But after I read this I realized this is not only harming my body but it has cause my friends and especially my boyfriend stress, his dad recently died also and he doesn't harm him self or anything, I'm so pround of you I love you jerrod!
Im 13 and i cut myself with razor blades that i hide in picture frames throughout my room. ive been addicted to cutting for 5 months now, and no one knows i cut. I told my bf once and he begged me to stop i did for 3 weeks and relapsed but he dosent know that. He might find out though due to the 14 cuts on my arms, and the 6 small scars on my wrists. I want to tell my parents i just cant find the strenghth to. I told my physciatrist everything from cutting to being suicidal but he didnt tell my parents about my cutting, and im being put on prozac. Every night at 2am i grab my razor. Sit on the bathroom floor listening to depressing eminem songs, cutting myself, and thinking how easy it could be to take 15 more steps to the kitchen to find the sharpest knife i could find and stabbing myself. If only my parents could see how bad my depression really is and see my cuts. Well its the middle of the night and i need to get this emotional pain out for a few moments. Time to find the razor:/
I have tried the elastic band self-help method, that didn't work. so I guess it's time to try somethin else :/.
I never cut my wrists, just highr up on my arm and on the back of my hand. :/ I'll get over it eventually, but as you show, it can be so hard without help :/.
you'll never stop cutting unless you admitt to yourself the real reason behind it which could take years to discover. It can be as simple as im ugly, i hate myself, my father and mother neglected me, i was abused, amoungst many others. Find out why you use this is a coping mechanism. My advice dont FORCE yourself to stop just use safer methods, read my hub to find out some. I went from slashing my leg open to waxing my leg then to putting a cold ice bag on my leg to eventually stopping (after maaaany years). You have to do it in stages, like you would any other "addiction" and deal with the underlying issues especially with help if needed. Please get help, the more you cut the less instense the rush gets so then the more you have to harm yourself to get the same feeling and in the end you will end up down the suicide road.
this story helped me understand what i was doing thank you :)
I self harm. I used to only when I was sad or down or whatever. Now, I HAVE to. It sucks. I can sit here trying to find some excuse for my councellor. All I feel is the need to hurt, the NEED to feel that crazy good feeling. I can't help it. My parents think, oh, she can just stop, you're feeling depressed, lets put you in councelling, on meds, whatever. But none helps. I crave the feeling I get when the blade tears into my flesh..
I just learnt that my friend has been cutting her wrists for six months. I had never noticed it before and I feel bad about that. She says it relieves her even though she isn't going through anything in life which would make her feel depressed or sad. I don't know what to do about it and who to talk to because it is a secret and she would never forgive me if I told someone. Of course, any sensible person would tell me to tell an adult but I can't. It's so personal that I can't just go and tell someone about what she does when even the majority of her closest friends don't know about it.
I have read many of these things but what some people don't understand is that it's s a release to cut your self some people cut to escape their emotions and instead choose to feel pain I personally cut to tryand redelivery nothing I k ow what your thinking that I'm so dumb to think I won't have any emotions if I cut myself but I have totty because if I don't I'm going to kill myself I've already done research on killing myself and I'm still debating to do it but I have to say I'm very afraid to do it not dying just doing it and I want help so bad I just don't t know who to tell and hofully I'll just stop on my own or just kill myself better yet rid everyone of myself it will make everyone else happy I'm sure so ya.
I don't cut, but i recently found out that my friend does. I don't want to bring it up for fear that I will make her feel ashamed of herself, but I really want to help her :(
When I get anxious, the veins in my wrist become more apparent, as if anticipating the cut. I can feel them pulsing and I feel like a monster because all I want is to hurt my self.
I've been clean for almost a year (may 11th is my day)
People don't understand. They think I'm all better because I no longer do it, but the urge is just as strong, if not stronger. I'm in pain.
Thank you for telling your story. I also get a throbing in my wrist when Im sad or mad. I have been cutting for years now. Have had the same scar in my wrist stiched up 3 times. Most people will never understand, that it does make the pain go away. If only for a few minutes.
I started a few weeks ago. I was stressed about my upcoming exams amongst a family death/problems and feeling generally empty, so decided to try it out.
Nowadays, it's almost like it's glorified on the internet, so I'm pretty sure the images I've seen contribute to this interest.
It may sound stupid but I already think I'm addicted, I haven't made that many cuts and there are only 2 deep-ish ones. I'm disgusted with myself as I have always found the idea inconsiderate and inappropriate. But, I kind of understand it. I've been a lot more calm about things, but I can't help but look at the wounds and cry.
I'm sure that someone will find out soon and stop me or that I'll stop myself.
Hi. I'm not as young as some of you (no offence), so I can go somewhere else if you think I should, but I want to talk to someone about this. I self-harmed every day for about a year, about two years ago. I've been mostly fine since then. I've self-harmed occasionally, but I succeeded in stopping completely for about a year. Up till now. I just started again a few days ago, and I thought it would be an occasional thing. Maybe just once every two or three days, but I cut my self yesterday, and I've done it again today. Maybe I'm just panicking, but I can't be sure I won't do it tomorrow, and part of me wants desperately to not start doing this daily again. I don't think I'm depressed like I was a few years ago. I know I don't like the hot weather we're having now (in England), but that might to be enough to trigger this. The thing is I know how I beat it last time, but I'm not sure I want to stop. It feels good, which scares me, but I can't stop it from making me feel calm and comforted. I don't know if I want to stop, and face my problems without doing this. Yet I'm not even sure what my problems are. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. So I don't know what to do.
It doesn't matter what your age - I have been receiving a lot of emails from people unsure what do to. I wish I had all the answers. I still get the urges and in the last 6 months have had a major relapse, but I've been able to start fighting it again. I have found that skills I have learnt in DBT therapy have really helped. I recommend getting a referral to a DBT group in your local area to anyone who self harms. The skills you learn really help with minimizing the urges and tolerating distress.
Pickle 2 years ago
I do it when im feeling down, but mainly when im angry. I tried to do something about it, but i just went blank and meatings with the school councelor. I tried to make another appointment via head of 6th form college, but "I'm a good student" i get good grades, i do as im told, so why would I need a councelor??? seems to be their attitude :(
I use my finger nails. How am i supposed to escape from that :(